A Primer in Golf Etiquette
 

Emily Post was an American author, perhaps best known for her writing on the subject of etiquette. Her name is synonymous with refined behaviour and proper manners, but I’m sure you’ll be as surprised as I was to learn this: Ms. Post was also passionate about the game of golf.  A worn and tattered copy of her only golf-related piece was recently discovered in the bar and although it will never be as popular as her best-selling book, Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home, she had some interesting insight on the game.  I thought it might benefit us so, after procuring the necessary permission, I’ve reprinted a small list of what dear Emily felt were the most important matters, behavioural issues and social graces for the gentleman golfer.

 

 

Scoring
 

Given the typically competitive nature of a weekly Senior Men’s Golf League, one might expect each participant to "putt out on every hole".  I realize this can be painful to watch, but I strongly recommend you avoid any leniency concerning this rule unless of course, you're playing with the yipping bastards.

 

 

Pace of Play
 

Because very few gentleman golfers are capable of determining the order and actually getting on to the tee promptly we strongly encourage all players to practice "ready golf".  The term, “ready golf”, by the way, was devised right here in one of guys who shall remain nameless, finally realized and accepted that he would never earn or be entitled to the "honour" on any tee, anywhere, or at any time.

 

Unsolicited Instruction
 

It is one of the confounding yet irrefutable truths of the game that a man with an index of 39 thinks he’s Bob Toski when he learns his playing partner is a 40.  The rule here is very simple… if they don’t ask – you don’t say.  I don’t care if Helen Keller could find the flaw - say nothing.  Golf is a game of self-discovery.  If they want your help, they will ask. 

 

 

Gambling is Good

This writer understands that most everyone enjoys playing the game with a small wager on the outcome.  It increases the interest level and exposes your opponent’s weaknesses for your entertainment, but please remember this: no one cares how you structure the wager or how high the stakes are as long as, after the round, all debts are satisfied immediately… in cash.  No cheque, no promissory note, and no perky suggestion that the bet be carried over to the next game. When it’s over, pay up.  Oh, and no coins.  The gentleman golfer pays his gambling debts with real paper money. Just to be safe, I respectfully suggest you come prepared to finance a complete and total collapse.

 

 

You Are What You Shoot

I am here to tell you that the moment you set foot on the 1st tee, people only care about one thing - what kind of game you have.  Once the pegs are in the ground no one gives a damn about the wealth you’ve amassed or the knobs with whom you hob… be it right or wrong; in the golf world it is your handicap that defines you my friends.  And, I guarantee you this… people will judge you and your relative value to the club depending on your index.  It is that number that ultimately determines your position in golf’s hierarchy.

 

Our first night is Monday, May 5th.  Play well and play often.  We look forward to seeing you soon.

 

That is all,

 

 

Gary Alderson

Senior League Convener